Finding peace amongst the chaos in life

I always try to keep in mind that I am not the only one that is going through rough patches in life. May it be a loss, a break up, experiencing some mommy/daddy guilt, don’t understand why things happen, don’t understand how things have happened, how I got here, wish things were different, etc. you get the idea. If you’ve followed my short journey, you know that I’ve experienced life changing surgeries due to Chiari + Syringomyelia. Although many times I’ve tried to put it behind me, there is always something that happens in my day that reminds me of my disability. You know those moments, where you are trying to go about life while trying to forget other parts of your life as well? What do you do? Do you confront them head on, do you even acknowledge them? I know a lot of times we, or rather I, try to put my best foot forward, have my best attitude or simply try to mask what I’m feeling with other more prettier things. This can absolutely happen in this world that is so consumed by technology and phone applications, like Instagram and Facebook. I personally think these outlets pressure us into thinking reality is too ugly to post. But, masking reality can be so exhausting, especially for someone like myself, being a full-time stay at home mom and dealing with chronic pain. It’s exhausting! I know I vent to my wonderful therapist, but I know others don’t have that outlet, either you choose not to or can’t for whatever reason.

I grew up in a relatively strict religious home and was taught at an early age to turn to the Lord for comfort and do His holy will. At the same time and you can read more about it here, I am also a firm believer in finding professional help for things like depression, anxiety, etc. Lately however, hence my reasons for my continued therapeutic sessions have been questioning other things. Have you found yourself there? I’m there. I’m not sure where you find your peace amongst the chaos in life, where do you find your happiness, where do you find your smile, is it in your children, your religion, spouse or partner? I know at times the plans my 15 or even 18 year old self had suddenly come to mind and then reality strikes and there’re the reminder of how none of that happened. However, I also know and am reminded that, you can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will always prevail. What does this mean, well, that if you and I don’t see our life the way we’d imagined it, know that it is however going the way the Lord has planned it. So powerful, yet I still go back and forth with the Lord, like a small child coming back to me after I’ve told them no. Can we compare it that way? Are we that nagging child asking the Lord, why don’t things go my way? As the priest put it on Easter Vigil this year and as you can see, it struck a cord with me, he said, “do you think God made a mistake with you, do you think the bastard sitting next to you isn’t for you?” – aka your spouse. HAHA! There’s nothing like hearing a homily that delivers and gives you a good laugh at the same time.

So, whether you are religious or not, whether you seek in the Lord or not, whether you turn to prayer or not, we are all seeking the same thing, peace and to love and be loved. We are all trying to be seen and heard. If you’re in this same space as myself, I tell you, don’t give up, find support, find the courage to find your voice and ask for help.

Also, know that your struggle is part of your journey. And as the scripture says, “this too shall pass, worries, hardships, and the things of this world are temporary, eternity is forever.” And you my friend are perfectly imperfect and that’s OK.

Ana-

Photo: Aaron Burden

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LIFE OF A MOM WITH CHIARI 1 MALFORMATION + SYRINGOMYELIA

This rare disorder has quickly changed and altered the course of my life. So, my hope through this outlet is to raise awareness for it. I think the most important thing like everything, especially an illness is early detection, early diagnosis and ultimately receive treatment is essential. I can’t stress that enough. The importance of knowing what you have is key. So, if you’re feeling any kind of way, overly tired even after getting a good nights sleep, rapidly putting on weight or loosing weight, have ongoing headaches, having unbearable back aches, etc., go get yourself checked! I know many people have a fear going to their doctors out of fear, fear of being told they may have something, like an illness. But understand that this will allow doctors to properly treat you if something were to arise and time is always of an essence.

The changes that have happened due to  In 2013 Life Began with Chiari + Syringomyelia have been things that have affected my entire family. My life as a stay-at- home mom having Chiari and Syringomyelia has affected the way I do everything has changed. I make the changes to accommodate the levels of pain that I may feel on that day.

A few of the changes I’ve made are …

⇒ shop online

⇒  have family movie nights in the comfort of our home

⇒ bring the ice cream home

⇒ As far as cooking, if you’ve read More About Me you know I am Nicaraguan and I love cooking and baking. It’s such a stress reliever, but it’s then been limited.

So, overall I have really had to change my way of thinking to care for myself, to foresee situations, for instance locations I may be traveling to, perhaps on vacation. So, have self awareness. Also, don’t feel afraid or guilty to say no, make changes to your plans or feel bad to say no to people. Just know this is your honest truth and you come first. You can read more about that here Life Perspective After Chiari + Syringomyelia Diagnosis I get pressured into feeling “normal” but what is normal? Because I do consider myself normal, just not the definition of everyone else’s normal. This is a chronic illness that comes with chronic pain. Chiarian’s are often called Zipper Heads, because of the scar that is left behind our necks from decompression surgery. It’s a scar that I was once afraid of showing but have realized that everyone wears a scar. Some scars are just seen while others are not. You can wear your scar on your arm from a fall, on your face from a burn, behind your neck from decompression surgery, scars from c-sections – such as myself from my 6 littles or on your heart from a breakup or loss.

I also find ways …

⇒ to sit and play with the kids, we love to draw, paint and do puzzles.

⇒ I spend countless moments with them cuddled up in bed, reading a book or watching an Elmo or Peppa Pig video – a few of their current favorites.

This is an invisible illness and symptoms can flare up at any time. So, never be ashamed or embarrassed to alter your day. I have noticed that simple things like smiling or am seen outside my home, is quickly misinterpreted as me miraculously being cured and feeling better. However, a smile simply means that you’re trying your best to get through the day.

-Ana