My Life With Medicine – The Chronic Pain Truth

When you’re living with chronic pain, medicine is a part of your life. The year is filled with doctor visits, follow-ups, tests, prescriptions and refills. The medicine helps relieve some of the pain. That sharp pain, the pain that takes your breath away – and not like in the fairy tale books. This is the type of pain that stops you in your tracks and makes you close your eyes in pain and at times brings on those silent tears. The ones that no one other than you knows about. You’re unable speak and find yourself closing your hand in a fist – from the pain. After a few minutes, that intense pain is gone. And you think, “I’ll take my medicine to help me get through the next one.” And I do.

I take the concoction that the doctor thinks will truly work this time! He say’s, “take these two in the morning, this one for nausea, this one for vertigo and these 2 at night.” I see him on my next visit and tell him, it’s a go! It’s working, the combination that we’re trying is working!

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And because nothing is perfect, nothing comes without a ‘cost,’ I tell him about my side effects. The medicine although helping relieve the pain, discomfort, aches and the daily needle like pain, the side effects take time to accept. All medicine have side effects and that’s the truth. And my medicine, are for the most part, muscle relaxers. If you recall, what I have is all in the nervous system – the brain and spinal cord. These muscle relaxers cause a ‘sedation’ type effect on your body. It brings on fatigue and weakness, which in turn cause me to feel extremely tired.

It’s a feeling of having not had slept in a long time. That sleep that causes you to close your eyes while speaking to someone – oh but you don’t intend to be rude! You just can’t help it! And you sleep and sleep and sleep. Because the sleep is what removes you from the pain and for short periods of time, you’re taken to a place where you are in pain no more.

In turn for taking my prescription medicine …

I feel left out,

Alone and afraid,

Like a bad mom, wife,

Like I can’t keep up with life or my kids.

It’s caused me to …

lose friendships,

give up friendships,

cancel, and

feel frustrated.

Yes, it’s true! You take something on to then give up others. You give up the life you once knew, for the life that’s been handed. The new cards. The new circumstance. The life with chronic pain.

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Photo: Unsplash

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I Love Myself But … There Needs To Be A Change

I recently watched the Academy Awards in which the movie Parasite took home multiple wins. With the movies South Korean director Bong Joon-ho taking the win for ‘best director.’ If you’re familiar with my background, I have Korean descent. So, it should be no surprise to know that I was incredibly excited for the wins the movie received. I haven’t seen the movie, but am looking forward to watching!

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In his speech the Parasite director said how one of his biggest influences has been Martin Scorsese. Martin Scorsese (‘Goodfellas,’ ‘Casino’) is only an incredible American film director, writer to name a few, to which we can place next to directors like Quentin Tarantino (I mean ‘The Hateful Eight’) – just brilliant! In his speech director Bong Joon-ho mentions how one of Martin Scorsese’s quote influenced him when he was in school.

“The most personal is the most creative” – Martin Scorsese

The quote resonated with me because I like knowing – knowing more about people. Perhaps more than they are willing to share. I’ve realized that people don’t like to necessarily share too much of themselves – be too open. This ‘openness’ in my part has often times got me into trouble because when I see that a friend isn’t reciprocating my feelings towards our friendship, I like to end our friendship. I end it. I cut it. I cut the person out of my life. And here are my thoughts on this because as dramatic as that may seem, why should I continue to share so much of me, when they aren’t doing it themselves. Why don’t they share? Do you follow? It’s a one sided relationship, it’s a relationship with no foundation, no truth or meaning.

And here’s whats been ‘floating in my mind’ since hearing the quote.

I love myself but, there needs to be a change or say, continued change …

I must continue to change in order to grow.

I must continue to change in order to love.

I must continue to change in order to have more patience.

I must continue to change in order to have more understanding.

I can’t see a change in others, if there isn’t a change in me. The change begins here. The change begins with me.

And lastly, I will continue to be personal because that’s where my creativity comes alive and I can relate and be personable with those I encounter.

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